Parenting, Uncategorized

Oh, Snap! My bikini top fell off.

I guess I ruined the surprise…but NOT for those families on the beach, who witnessed my bikini top come undone as I took off my sundress to swim! My 8-year-old started cracking up, chagrined, mouth agape, yelling, “Mom!” as I reflexively cupped my flesh and ran for cover. It was almost ironic that it happened, just as I finished telling her that I found those G-string bikinis that teens wear these days to be inappropriate and too revealing. (I mean, you can see their entire can)

Well, lo and behold, I was worse!

Ta-Da! Jazz hands... Take that, people. Here’s the real deal–oh, and no (G-) strings attached. Or any strings, for that matter.

It’s also interesting to note that the one day I decided to wear a bikini, as opposed to my typical one-piece, is the day I decided to go swimming. See, Moms don’t swim. Am I right? I had this conversation the other day with my friend. We (a) don’t want to have to get our hair wet, particularly if we just blew it out straight; (b) have no patience to scoot around on an innertube for more than a few tugs, and (c) hate being cold, wet, and stepping on crabs. In fact, my son had just caught a large, blue crab and released him nearby. No, thanks.

This is the image I found when I Googled “Wet and Cold Mom.” Hm.
But it was cute.

Anyhoo, I decided to swim today, because I was being nice. I took one for the team, and said I’d join the kids. And, I wore the bikini today only because I had not eaten yet, so I was kind of skinny and like a deflated snake. Of course, once I ate a bag of goldfish from the lunchbox I packed, I was immediately back to my old shape.

Normally, I eat breakfast. But, I have been watching this show on Netflix that features models and is about fashion, and I want to look like them. I mean, sure, I’m not 20. Or 30. Or even 40. But, I am aiming for the stars. So, I decided to skip breakfast and only have an apple for lunch. I planned to only eat apples for the week, because that’s how Christian Bale became super-thin for The Fighter and Anne Hathaway lost like a third grader to be malnutritioned for Les Miserables.

I’m not sure that aspiring to look like someone who is “miz” is a good thing? But, hey, apples worked.

Is it bad I want to look like this?

So, I ate one apple.

Then, I ate the goldfish at the beach, because I was starving. This led to last night’s left over steak tips, and here we are. Damn.

Maybe tomorrow.

Ya’ know what I won’t do tomorrow? Wear my string bikini to the beach.